Friday, August 14, 2015

Free For All Friday | I'm Terrified

College is every teenager's dream. It's the first time in their life they get to live away from their parents and finally get the chance to be independent. They're free to party, sleep, and eat however they want. But of course I can't be like most teenagers. Instead of being excited I'm terrified.

Tomorrow I move into college and it's the biggest change I've ever been through. I'll go from a quiet, small household to a dorm full of energetic teenagers. Weekends will no longer consist of me alone in my room watching Netflix... well I mean it might but the likelihood of that happening is far less. And while these immediate changes like sharing a bathroom and a bedroom are significant, the most terrifying thing is that this is where life begins. From here on out I have to begin building up my "career" in fact, I can begin referring to my academics as part of this so called "career." I have to plan my classes, volunteer work, internships, jobs, everything around this career, so that it helps me in the future.

I had a graduation party a couple days ago. A couple family friends came over as a sort of good bye and as they were leaving, they told me how excited they were to, hopefully one day, see my name in the news or a fancy research magazine. Let's be honest, if I'm going down the medical field the only way I'm going to be showcased like that is if I do something spectacular, something worthy of Grey's Anatomy. It's an expectation, an expectation to be successful. While most children (usually Indian or Asian) are pressured to do well academically and continually forced and nagged to sit down and study, I never had that. Throughout high school I was self-motivated enough to manage my study habits on my own and as a result I've grown a reputation. I'm the "perfect" child everyone else gets compared to, and trust me it's not as good as it sounds. I've set the bar high for myself, perhaps a little too high. I've started the race of life at a full on sprint and I'm terrified I'm going to burn out before reaching the finish line. I'm terrified I'm not going to live up to the expectations and goals other people have set for me. And honestly I'm most terrified I'm not going to live up to my own expectations.

I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out there about college. I have no doubt they're going to be an exciting four years, but I'm equally terrified and anxious. Maybe you guys feel the same way, or have any experiences you want to share, I'd love to hear about them!